It's almost like I woke up on new years and a cloak had been unveiled from my eyes. I could see the world in colour and it was ugly, but it was mine. I dug around my mind searching to understand the organised chaos and began realising I had out everyone and everything in front of myself.
I was parading around teaching women and girls to love themselves, set boundaries and schedule "me time" whilst I did none of those. But on that morning when I woke up, it's as if the people pleaser had died overnight.
We're now on Day 3 and as I reflect on how I'd been a fool for the last few years, I started to think about what I want my life to look like and what I deserve. This went from what I want to achieve, to material things I want to buy, to how I want to spend my time and who I wanted to spend time with. I thought about who I wanted to be by the end of the year and the thoughts ate me up. I was so excited, there were endless opportunities.
But as I stopped daydreaming and turned back to the organised chaos that is my life, I realised I have to be the one to sort it out. A sudden fear crept over me. What were people going to say or think? In all honestly I didn't really care, I just wanted to see what my life was going to be like once I started choosing myself and doing what makes me happy.
Then it hit me - I have to choose me now. My hair broke and started greying, I have some serious eye bags, my eyebrows aren't done and my stomach feels heavy from all the binge-eating I indulged in due to being unhappy. Out of all the characters I could be right now, I choose her. I'm choosing to be myself as I am and where I am now because I can only move forwards from here.
So I made a promise to myself that for the benefit of those around me - friends, family and my Cultured Waist community - I am putting myself and my healing first. This means choosing what really makes me happy and prioritising my physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and financial health.
2023 is the year of me and I know it'll be easier because I understand the true feeling of love. No not the romantic kind. The love that I've received from my real family and friends over the years showed me who I am and taught me to love myself. For them and myself I'm so grateful.
Anyway, I could blog on, but then this becomes an essay. If you're reading this then remember that you deserve to choose you and you can change your mind in any moment. It's never too late to prioritise yourself.
Ebony - be yourself, know yourself, love yourself 🧡